The following is a helpful list of things you can do to make sure your next visit to the veterinary hospital is a pleasant one.
1. Call and describe your pet's symptoms and then ask if there is anything you can do at home. Don't make an appointment during this phone call.
2. Call back later and say you googled the symptoms and know what your pet has and ask if you can come get some medication for it. Don't make an appointment.
3. Observe your pet all day and when you determine it is not getting any better call to announce you are coming in or just show up with your pet approximately 30 minutes prior to closing. After all, you want Fluffy checked out before we close.
4. When you arrive at the clinic allow your pet to run up to all the other animals in the lobby so they can share their diseases with each other and/or start a fight.
5. Under no circumstances should you bring your cat in a carrier. Especially if it is current on it's rabies vaccination.
6. While attempting to restrain your pet, do nothing more than hold the end of the 6 foot leash. This will be adequate, especially if your pet is hyperactive or aggressive.
7. If you do happen to prefer holding the collar instead of the leash, be sure to let go every 12 seconds and repeatedly beg your dog to come out from under the chair.
8. Please allow your pet to jump off the exam table as soon at the technician leaves the room to get the doctor.
9. Feel free to hold your pet in your lap or under your legs for the exam. Veterinarians love this kind of closeness with the clients.
10. Insist that Fluffy does not need a muzzle in sprite of the growling, barking and lunging that she is doing.
11. Act oblivious while your intact male dog hikes his leg on everything in the clinic. Or better yet, laugh and point out how cute it is.
12. "Forget" your wallet.
13. Complain about the bill, especially when your pet's illness or injury could have been prevented by basic medical care or common sense.
14. Ask to make payments on routine elective procedures.
15. Announce that your pet is not at risk for disease X, Y, or Z even though it turns out you don't know how pets acquire diseases X, Y, or Z.
16. Allow your children to rummage through exam room drawers.
17. Send your friend, neighbor, or relative who knows nothing about your pet's illness to take the pet to the appointment.
18. Allow the doctor to explain the diagnosis and treatment plan before announcing that you need to call the "person in charge" and explain all of that to him or her. Doctors have lots of time to stand around and watch you make lengthy cell phone calls or explain everything again to "person in charge " using "messengers" covered in whose knows what kind of germs cell phone.
19. Fail to recognize your lack of personal hygiene skills.
20. Listen to a lengthy spiel about your pet's medical problems and then ask "so he's pretty healthy right?"
21. Decline all recommendations made for your pet, insist only on vaccines that they may or may not need and then ask "so he's all set for the year right?"
22. Never show up at your appointment time. Those are only suggestions pulled out of a hat by our receptionists.
23. If your pet is having diarrhea, don't bring a stool sample. That would be of little diagnostic value.
24. If you think your pet has a UTI don't bring urine and please let your pet empty it's bladder on the way into the clinic. See above.
25. If your pet has an injury or wound please doctor it yourself with common household items for approximately 5 days before coming in.
I hope you have found this list to be most helpful, even if not fully comprehensive.